Take the Job

This is a list of most commonly asked questions by customers when working as a sales associate (and the clever responses that may get you fired at some point.) 

1. Do you work here?

YES- "Yes I do. Could I help you find anything today?"
NO-   "Nah. I just like to hang out at this store for seven hours because they have really catchy   music. I also like to spend those seven hours standing, while folding clothing, because it is THAT much fun. I also just like to ask people how they are doing and what I can help them in, because the people who work here can't compare to the level of awesomeness that I have. So would you like me to help you, or more importantly, would you like to shut your kid up and get them down from the shaky stairs that say employees only?"

2. Where are the fitting rooms?

-You could follow me if you would like and I will give you a room, or you can just follow the arrows posted around the store and another employee will help you when you get there.

-We don't have any. If you want, I can hold up a large jacket in front of you while you quickly try on that medium shirt that you probably won't buy or probably won't even fold before putting back, that is, IF you put back in the correct spot. You could also go behind those shelves and just do it as quickly as possible. Or just be an proud American and show what your mamma  gave you. 

3.Do you guys have bathrooms in here?

YES- "They are right by the fitting rooms, so just go to the back of the store and you will find it on your left.

NO- "I'm sorry, we don't. However, we do have a nice bucket in the back that I would be willing to share with you, but you would have to figure out how to wipe without toilet paper. Or you could use the outhouse outside near the dumpster, Shrek came in and used a little bit ago, so I would suggest that only the truly brave go in. "

4. Can I return this?

YES- "Of course, will you just be returning today or will you be exchanging? Did you bring your receipt? Let's go over to the register and I will help you with that."

NO- "Get out."

5. Do you have any sales going on right now?

YES- "All of the sports jackets are at 20% off and those shirts over there are buy one get one free. You could also check out clearance section if you are looking for a good deal"

NO- "All of these big, colorful signs that say SALE are just there to make the store look pretty. Can you read? Are you stupid? It's an outlet store. That means we always have sales going on. Just open your eyes and look around instead of asking stupid questions."

That's it for now, more to come later.